Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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