and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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