His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
