I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
