I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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