All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
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Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
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Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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