Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I want to stick my p in your. b.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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