dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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