I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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