a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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