I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
third nipple confirmed
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
