just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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