You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
