Your tits are I can't wait for
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
