I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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