Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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