Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
