i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
