My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
