Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Shame - the story of my life.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
