census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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