You really coming over, don't trick.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
