god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
