I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
