just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
