The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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