totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
