I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
