Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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