Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
People with herpes should wear stickers.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
