I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
