Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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