I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
