you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize