don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
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the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
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Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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