I wannas sexs uuuuu
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
