she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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