And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
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People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Damn victory sex feels great
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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