She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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