A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
