after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
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I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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