Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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