my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
