Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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