took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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