Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
