You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
