the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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