we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My pussy is not your playground.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
