she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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