I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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