she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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