The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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