dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
