Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
